Discharged!

I've been discharged from my hand consultant. I found out that the point of going to see them every 4 weeks or so was so that they could see how my physiotherapy was going and to decide whether I needed to be opened up again if things were not healing properly. Other than the nice consultant running her nails along my hand scars this wasn't a bad meeting. The first question she asked was “have you been climbing?”, to which I replied “yes, but I've told my physio”, added hurriedly as an afterthought. She didn't seem too bothered. We discussed how my hand is fairing and any problems. It might seem odd to be writing about having a now almost fully functioning hand, but if you'd seen the state of it 11 and a half weeks ago (especially the inside) then you'd be as amazed as me. I'd accepted that I'd never be about to open it again, thinking of it like a withered limb. I was happily getting on with working out how I'd continue in life with this pointless appendage, despite being told it'll be all right. Six weeks ago I couldn't open my hand, four weeks ago I couldn't put my palms flat together, two weeks ago I couldn't put them flat together, with my wrists bent at right angles (same position as prayer I guess, not that I've been praying). Now all these things are within my grasp!

The only oddity is that when I make a fist my 3^rd finger curls inwards slightly, rubbing against my 2^nd finger. I've been told it's because the tendon has probably re-aligned to avoid the swelling creating my by now defunct A1 pully. Who cares though? I can make a fist, my hand is almost normal... heavily scarred but essential normal.

I've not been discharged from my physiotherapy though and this I am glad of. My trip to the hospital each Thursday marks the progress I'm making. Each week there is something new. A new exercise, or a new strength putty to squeeze which make me feel better about the whole process. I've mentioned that my physio knows I've been climbing. They said the normal things (“we must advise that it's a bad idea” etc...) but all seem genuinely interested to hear how I've been getting on climbing on what should (by most peoples accounts) be a weak useless bunch of fingers on the end of a withered arm. There are endless discussions each week about taping (advised by the consultant, dismissed by me, and discussed later), grip strength, how each hold is used, area of pressure and stress on my fingers and how bloody strong my thumb is (it really is amazing!). They stopped telling me not to climb on it after week 3 anyway.

(A range of homemade physio equipment)

[WARNING: the next section develops into a massive rant about climbing tape]

With regards to taping up the fingers I initially brought it up with my physio. He didn't have much of a clue about it (unsurprisingly, as taping up fingers seems to be a “climbing” thing) but suggested that if it helps, why not? My consultant then brought it up an hour later. We discussed taping, pully rings (metal rings that do the job of the pully) and if it would be of any benefit. I said no and eventually she agreed. The damaged pullys in my hand are not worth taping (my A1 is compleltely cut open, and therefore redundant) and the A2 is never in enough stress to need a back up like that. I don't want to tape my fingers up either, and here's why:
Taping up you fingers correctly is very hard to do unless:
a) you are a hand consultant, medical professional, climbing specific physio etc or
b) you've seen a flayed hand and know what you're looking at, therefore knowing where to tape.

Thankfully I've been able to either hang out and discuss taping with people who fall into category a) and, since slicing open my hand I've become interested in what's going on in there and probably fall under the category of b). I still don't see a need to tape though.

Doesn't it annoy you when you see people down the climbing wall (not usually at the crag, but you always get these types at the climbing wall) taping up all their fingers with thick hoards of tape, applied regardless of where any damage it. I might start asking people which pully they've damaged or who their physio is (having told them to tape) when I'm next down the wall? Then again I might not. One you start taping up, you've got the be very very very very very careful not to become a “slave to tape”. For one thing it looks a little silly having each flan-gee or each finger on each hand taped up. I know there are people out there who do it to impress people, to make them think they're serious climbers... who're they kidding! (bear in mind the serious climber is probably the quiet chap or lass who climbs or boulders extremely hard down the wall, but you hardly hear them say a word). Confidence is quiet, someone once said. Confidence is also not being covered in tape.

Tape is also a self-fulfilling prophecy. People tape up for several reasons but the main ones can be summed up as:
a) to support an injury (either gained before or during, depending on the severity)
b) to prevent an injury coming back (also known as “I've got it dodgy tendon mate, so I keep it taped...”)

If you find yourself falling into category a) then I'm sorry you hear you've had an injury, but you're going the right way about it. The first thing you should do is stop climbing, at least for a few days, maybe a week. People don't do this. You should also actually do something to help repair the tendon. Hot and cold treatment is one of the best things. Before you start manically applying half a roll of tape to your hand at your next climbing session, stop and think. Do you know the purpose of taping? What injury are you trying to prevent? Do you know how to tape it up properly? If you can answer all of these, then go ahead! (also if you can answer most of these, then you and me are probably already singing from the same hymn sheet). THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO KEEP TRYING TO REPAIR THE TENDON! If you spend the next 6, 8, 12 weeks with it strapped up then the tendon will heal, but it won't be fully strong. You'll have generate this tendon that is strong enough... when taped up. Therefore you'll be taping again... see?

If you fall into b) then there is probably no hope for you... only joking! The body has an amazing capacity to heal, that coupled with the NHS, doctors and medical professionals in general means that you really do stand a fighting chance of repairing that single damaged pully (or whatever it is). Trust me on this. Taping up to prevent injury is like saying to your body “don't worry, the tape will do the work for you!”. If and when you stop taping up, that tendon is now not strong. Not weak either, but not 100%. Then you expect it to perform like a fully functioning bundle of fibres and... “snap!” (or “tweak!” but it never makes that noise) it happens. In your head it's the lack of tape. In reality it's because of too much tape in the first place.

The bottom line is that you need to make sure you heal any injuries, instead of just strapping them up. In the long run they won't last.

There'll be people reading this thinking a variety of things. Probably the most prevalent is that I'm morally, medically and fully against the use of tape. THIS IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. I tape to prevent excess damage and support, as and when I need too. It might be for one week or maybe two, but never more than that. People probably think I don't know what I'm on about. WHY SHOULDN'T I KNOW WHAT I'M ON ABOUT?. I've studied it (not academically) and discussed it and bloody well tried it. I've ruptured several tendons in my fingers over the years. I've held my hand in a lot of ice water then warm water (the process of giving yourself “hot aches” isn't fun, but it works) and I've carefully learnt how to tape up different joints for different injuries. I've asked people. The final things people proabaly think is, how did this become a rant about tape... BECAUSE IT DID and that's why.

Ironically I'll finish by telling you that I've just been shown how to tape up my ankle, with three wide strips of climbing tape for extra support. This will be an aid to full recovery... not an excuse. I'm slowly on the mend which was the original point of this post, though it will be a very long road. My ankle is in an awful state (compared to my hand) and I've not yet started any physiotherapy.

It's time to dance in the rain.

So I brought a van.

Everyone's been telling me that it's the way forward, though I feel I should point out that most of these people have a biased point of view. They are already van owners and lovers. It's a little Peugeot Dispatch panel van. I know that Peugeot don't make a dispatch version, but at some point a rear door has been replaced with that off a Citroen. It's pretty much an old beat up van, with more mileage on it than I'd like. If it was a house it was be described as “full of character” and “cosy”.

Why buy a van? I didn't get it because everyone has told me it's a good idea. My car died. This isn't actually true as my car still runs but it'll cost more than it's worth to get it through the MOT and even then I can't guarantee it'll last another year. I can't guarantee that the van will last the year either, but it'll be more of an adventure. A van won't give me any more freedom than I've already got, it'll just make freedom more comfortable... at least in theory.

It is definitely not the greatest van in the world (not yet!) as it's old, slightly battered, the doors'll whistle on the motorway and the engine has got about a year left in it before it'll need a big overhaul (hopefully) but it felt right as soon as I got in it. There was then warm feeling you get in your gut when it all seems right as soon as I lay down inside, amongst the cement stuck to the carpet and looked up as the battered metal walls with plaster and god knows what stuck to them. Aesthetics don't bother me that much as long as it runs.

The plan is to convert the back into some sort of livable area. I've only got a few days before I start work again (for 3 weeks) so whatever is going to be built will need to be built quick and simply. I'm also limited in the cash flow department (as is everyone else at this time) and I don't really want to spend loads kitting out a van for about a years worth of use. I'm already looking into replacements and how much it'll cost so I know how much work I'll need to pick up. It's going to be a long year and climbing might have to take a bit of a back seat for a while.

A livable area doesn't need to be much.

Training: a change in attitude.

If you asked me a couple of years ago if I ever trained or my opinions towards it you'd have probably gotten a response along the lines of “one: I don't train and two: I don't see the point of it”. My attitude towards my climbing (and mountaineering) for a long time has been that if I can't do it in my current state (and this included on occasion carrying a massive hangover) then I just couldn't do it. In my mind it seemed fair and if pushed I would justify this with some speal about how most of these routes have been climbed before when the gear was worse and the protection dubious. I'd argue I was leveling the playing field and giving the rock a chance.

The truth of the matter is that I just couldn't be bothered to train. It's one thing to go down the climbing wall for a couple of sessions a week and climb socially but quite another to actively train specifically. No one I actually climb with really trains, so why should I.

I think I can pin point the moment my opinion changed about training and I saw not just some, but a lot of merit in it. Between January 2012 and May (of the same year) I lost almost two stone in weight. This wasn't the point at which my view changed because this weight loss was done in a terrible way. I was stressed and therefore I wasn't eating properly and I wasn't sleeping properly. I became (and still am obsessed with my weight) and in doing so I would skip meals when I felt “fat” and then binge when I was hungry. You can imagine the kind of cycle which continued. In this time I probably had the best diet when I was away climbing with Soames on Anglesey.

The point at which it all changed for me was when I was bouldering at Churnet. The 7a traverse at Ousal has been something I've been after for a couple of years. I've always thought one day it'll just click and I'll do it, but I couldn't even work the crux moves. I went back the other day and after six months off bouldering outdoors because of my ankle injuries and dropping a load of weight I cruised through the crux. It was like I was a different climber and suddenly all the moves made sense. More importantly I felt strong, even though I was much lighter.

Since that point I've been eating much better. I'm managed to stabilise my eating habits to a point where I'm less obsessed about my weight, but rather what I'm actually eating. It's meant that I'm eating much healthier and much more enjoyable food. The other side of this has been setting goal which I need to train towards. I'm going to Ecrins in the summer with Soames for about 10 days. Last year we did not training and I think we faired pretty well. We climbed reasonably quickly (for a pair of Brits!) and enjoyed ourselves. This year we've both planned on being fitter and stronger.

Another goal to get fit for is another trip to the alps. This one comes with the pressure of somehow getting enough money together to get there. There'll be a direct correlation between funding and time spent there, so I'm trying to put as much aside as possible. The plan is loose but it's to actually do some alpinism, rather that just rock climbing. I'm going with Finney, who is just as psyched as I am and also seems to be just a driven to train. After the recent mini-winter season we had over Easter I think it ran home to both of us how much work we've got to do. On the other side of it being fitter means climbing quicker or for longer and burning less energy in the long run (either by literally being fitter or by moving quicker and therefore taking less time over all which'll equal a reduced pack weight).

The upshot of all this is that I'm actually training. My physio has helped a lot because it's been like having a personal trainer who just wants to punish my legs. My ankles are getting stronger each week but over all my legs themselves are long. I end up pushing myself harder each time just because I know I'll enjoy that elated feeling I have afterwards as I struggle to climb down the stairs with tired muscles. I guess exercise really does make you feel good.

When I used to think that I could just get by climbing the way I was I wasn't happy with my climbing. I can be extremely competitive however I find myself directing this more and more towards competing with myself rather than competing against others. I don't see a point in measuring myself against other people, especially when climbing. There is always going to be someone moving quicker or climbing harder, but no one is going to make me feel as bad as I do when I've not set myself a goal and not achieved it. It's my life, not anybody elses.